Funny How Fate Works

I called out sick from work today, to babysit my depression.

I really have been feeling shitty for the last 5 or so months, and can't seem to get it together. The world outside is a life size freezer, and I refuse to buy real winter coat because I HATE how it makes me feel bigger then what I actually am. The only good thing about today was the fact I was able to squeeze in an appointment in with a new doctor in the neighborhood. The only bad thing about today was the fact that he told me I need to have surgery.

Apparently what I don't have is what I was self-diagnosed with - P.C.O.S. (there goes my idea about getting certified as a Google M.D). He suspects Endometriosis, and wants to go in laproscopically to see for sure. He seemed like a really nice guy, but one thing was kind of weird. He was sending "I.Ms" (instant messages via AIM or Yahoo) to someone during our consultation. At first I thought, COOL...he's down with technology. Then he told me that he was "I.Ming" his office staff (who generally speaking, were in the next room). Now, I'm all about getting down with technology, but sending I.M's to people 10 feet away? Hmmmm....

Anyway, after a few hours of sitting on my couch, contemplating what to do and how life really SUCKS right now, I get a call from an old high school friend. We stay in touch as much as life allows us to right now. We are both busy adults, and the days of meeting at the "shing-ding" to sneak a cigarette are WAY over. Anyway, I can't explain why, but talking to her made me feel so much better. Maybe it was just finally joking and laughing with someone about nonsense, that gave the serotonin a kick start in my brain. Then not even 10 minutes later, another good ol' friend from high school called to talk some shit too. She allowed me to get some shit off my chest that was boiling up over the last few days. I hate to bitch and complain all the time, but I have to say, she is the only person I've ever met that has never, ever, ever, not EVER gotten tired of hearing it. Who do you know has a limitless tolerance for wining? Not too many people I bet.

Who knows why, but both calls were right on time...so if you are reading this right now, my 2 friends... THANK YOU.

The Numbers Game

Soooooooo, a friend of mine decided to place a friendly wager on who can lose the most weight after 4 months. Nothing like a little friendly competition to really shake things up. Step one was going to her house for our official weigh-in. Here's where the drama begins. HER FREAKIN' SCALE weighed me as 5lbs heavier then the scale in my bathroom. Need I say more? I FREAKED OUT....Even though I know certainly that each scale is calibrated differently, and when you get weighed you should always get weighed on the same scale with the same conditions available (i.e. same time of day, after or before lunch, after or before 10 glasses of water, etc...)...Even yet and still, I could not wrap my brain around the fact that her shitty, shitty, shitty, horrible scale said I was 5lbs heavier.

For the last few weeks, I've been on this restricted calorie diet. 3 square meals a day. Accompanying salads, with a teaspoon or 2 of extra virgin olive oil for taste. On good days, I'll remember to grab my tangerines in the morning for a mid-meal snack. And for all this effort, the scale flips me the bird??? Oh lord...so unacceptable. It is unbelievable hard to bounce back from that. AS IS I am already looking for any excuse to throw in the towel.

What I really need to do is stay away from the scale for a month. At my last J.C. weigh-in, I asked not to be weighed. I didn't want to get deterred from starting the program over if the scale reflected a weight gain while I was dealing with life's little hiccups. All I knew is I was ready to start over again, and that vicious number had all the power in the world to knock me right down.

On that note, I am going to go check on my J.C. Lasagna, my salad getting crispy cold in the fridge, and bubbly diet coke waiting for me to wash it all down with. Tomorrow is another weigh-in day, although I have yet to decide if I actually want to get "weighed-in" on.

Day HUH?

I realize that trying to post everyday just encourages my unrealistic expectation to take flight (at least I think about this blog everyday...does that count?). So instead of just throwing in the towel cause I fucked this up....(just as I fuck my diet up over, and over, and over again), I decided that I am going to post just a few times a week. That's a more realistic expectation to fulfill, and hopefully it will coincide with a realistic weight loss goal.

The last 2 weeks have included a few emergency room visits, a near death aversion for a family member, and bouts of depression that keep me prisoner in the house for days. Without going into details that would probably depress you too, let's just say having Ovarian Cysts SUCKS. I have a constant dull stinging in my lower right abdomen that comes to a screeching crescendo of pain towards the end of each month. I have to say, I have NO IDEA what or how this happened to me. All of my doctor visits, and numerous emergency room trysts have yet to really diagnose what is causing this constant pain. SO AS USUAL, I took matters into my own hands and hit up Barnes and Noble with a vengeance.

Fast forward several books later, I'm pretty sure I have P.C.O.S (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I picked up a booked titled "A Patient's guide to P.C.O.S", and I really feel that just about everything they describe in the book, describes me. When I say describes me, I mean everything from physical characteristics, to family history, to weight issues, to hormonal imbalances, to emotional issues, and so on and so on. The most interesting part of the whole book is the part that has been most frustrating about this whole P.C.O.S experience. There is no cure, no magic pill, no surgery, no NOTHING that will make this go away. It's actually pretty hard to diagnose because there are so many variables that could cause so many of these symptoms. The one common thread in the entire book is this: Loose weight and your symptoms will go away. I can really go into massive detail about how that works, but then what's the point of reading the book yourself, right? If you have unexplained sharp pains before and during your period each month, go get this book and see if you are lucky enough to qualify to fit the title.